Saying I Love You
Growing up, my family did not say “I love you” to one another. That didn’t mean that we didn’t love each other, it was just not a cultural norm.
I grew up in a traditional Korean home. We immigrated from Seoul to New York (Queens) in 1990 and brought to the US, a frozen piece of South Korean society of the 1980’s. Societies are fluid and change continuously. I think it’s a little harder to change when you immigrate to a new place; you don’t quite assimilate to the new place and you hold on just a little tighter to the familiar.
There was an episode of a family drama show from the ‘90s, 7th Heaven, where a friend of the main family learned about saying I love you. This 11 year old girl, who like me, had not grown up saying “I love you,” drew up the courage to say it to her mother for the first time. I cried and cried.
I was 14 years old and the episode really made me want to tell my parents that I love them. My mom was in the shower. Perfect, I can say this vulnerable thing without facing her. I imagine that it would be hard to understand my trepidation if you grew up saying it to your mother your whole life. But I had never said it before. My parents had never said it to me.
I said it through the door and ran away.
In that moment, I broke something in my family system and added something beautiful. Somewhere a norm was built into the culture that we shouldn’t say how we feel or that it’s embarrassing to do so.
I tell my daughter every day that I love her. And my heart bursts every time that my daughter tells me she loves me, especially when it’s unprompted (although that can sometimes mean she’s done something naughty lol).
Going to therapy, telling the truth, saying I love you - these are all ways that we can break generational/cultural rules that have us stuck - and free us to heal and flourish.
Does your family or culture have an unspoken (or spoken) rule that going to therapy/sharing trauma stories inflicted by your family would mean:
that you are betraying your family
that you think they are bad parents (or other family role)
that you are exposing or bringing shame to the family?
Please know that what you share with your therapist is confidential (except for certain situations such as when someone may get hurt, as required by law). Sharing a story where our parents or primary caregivers failed us - does not mean they are all bad or that we are betraying them. All of us - including ourselves, and our parents - are imperfect, complex people. We all inevitably hurt and fail one another. Yes, that is our reality, but that does not mean we should dismiss or minimize our pain. Yes, we all make mistakes, AND you get to acknowledge the impact of those mistakes.
You and your pain deserve care. And that includes tending to the pain you have experienced, even if it is at the hands of your family. It may seem like you are betraying your family, but you are betraying yourself if you do not get to tend to your own heart and pain. We advocate for everyone being able to speak their truth/heart/feelings. Anything that limits that freedom can be hindering to our flourishing.
If these thoughts resonate with you and are keeping you from seeking therapy, it will be important to find a therapist that understands where you are coming from. You can bring this up (or any other issues) when you interview therapists (they should offer a free consultation) as you find someone that is the right fit for you.
1. 7th Heaven, Season 2 Episode 3, “I Love You,” September 29, 1997, The WB Television Network, USA, 1997.