The Story of My Miscarriage
The Story of My Miscarriage
(Trigger Warning: miscarriage)
by Minjoo Bayers
***
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in September 2013, it was a surprise. We weren’t not trying to get pregnant, if that makes sense. I had several friends who suffered miscarriages before having their rainbow baby, so I prepared my heart for the possible loss of this baby. All through the first trimester, I prepared for the worst; that I might lose the baby at any time. We didn’t tell people, including our families, until I was in my second trimester. I didn’t announce it on Facebook until I was 5 months pregnant.
I had a pretty healthy pregnancy, but a difficult birth. The labor in total was 32 hours, and I started motherhood without sleeping for 2 nights straight. Our daughter’s first week was rocky. She stayed in neonatal care for low oxygen saturation. Then 3 more days in the hospital for the tanning booth… I mean the U/V light treatment for jaundice.
But she’s been a super healthy and amazing human for 6 years and I’m truly privileged to be her mama.
One year later, we started trying to get pregnant again. Each month was a long awaited disappointment. Making an impatient Korean woman like me, wait a month to try, then wait days to find out - was laborious. We tried for a few months then gave up actively trying.
Another year later, I suspected I was pregnant. I had of course been tracking every fertility related movement of my body with an app. My husband was leaving for a business trip the next day, so I wanted to find out and tell him face to face before he left.
I took our daughter with me to Walgreens, and got a pregnancy test (after googling which one would get me the earliest accurate result). And I took the pregnancy test in the bathroom of the Walgreens. It was positive!!! I jumped up and down and our daughter looked at me curiously.
I went home and made my husband a drink and put a little plastic baby in it. When he noticed the baby, he knew exactly what it meant and he jumped up and hugged me. We laughed and cried. It’s truly such a joy to try and try and successfully get pregnant.
We told our parents right away! They knew we had been trying to get pregnant, and of course had been wondering when we would have another baby after our amazing daughter had joined our family. All the precautious, worry, just-in-case, and waiting to tell people until second trimester - were gone for some reason. I was too excited!
With my first pregnancy it took me a long time to truly believe and grasp that a baby was growing inside of me. But with the new pregnancy, I bonded with this baby right away. I knew what was happening. It wasn’t this new experience - where it took me months to fully believe that there was this miracle happening inside of my body. I talked to the baby and imagined that he was a boy.
Just 2 weeks later, while Andrew was still on his business trip, I started bleeding one night. I googled what to do and followed the advice to call my OB/GYN. I left a message with the after hours messaging service and my OB called back. She said to come in the next morning. It wasn’t that much blood so I thought, this must be a precaution. But I was still scared.
An ultrasound showed an empty sac. There was the oval shaped place where the baby was, which was now empty. It was an empty tomb. The image haunts me. I had spontaneously miscarried. I was pretty early on in the pregnancy and I just needed to bleed and release tissue for the next few days. I don’t remember how or if I processed the loss. I knew it was ok to mourn the loss. But I had a little one to take care of, and I “had to be ok” for her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I also lost all desire to have another baby. A part of me died that day.
I jumped, flew, rocketed to hope. I told myself I would meet the baby one day in heaven. That he’s there now, not experiencing pain, and waiting for me there.
I got back to the busy life of a mommy with a toddler and we were getting ready to move. The following month I moved to Kirkland, WA and started school at The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. It was a big life change. And it was a huge loss to leave Hawaii, a place that feels like home.
Working full time, in grad school full time, and being a mom to a toddler - I was busy busy busy. As required by my degree, I was also in therapy and regularly processing childhood tragedies. I didn’t have space for anything else in my life.
But occasionally I would be reminded of the miscarriage and sometimes I would share with someone about it. From my professor Dr. Allender, I learned that after a miscarriage a woman can experience hormonal fluctuations for months. I also learned that the DNA of a baby remains in the mother’s body for something like 26 years (including that of unborn babies).
I was processing trauma and losses of all kinds every week at school. Oh God that first year was painful. I was pretty beat up by the time finals week of the first term at grad school came. I worked hard on final papers and studied hard for final exams.
One of my favorite classes, Faith Hope Love, taught by Dr. Allender and Dr. Stearns, had a final that included watching a clip from the show Call the Midwife. I knew that the clip that we would have to engage for a question on the final exam would be the most difficult one to watch. When I watched the episode at home in preparation for the final, I turned my face away from the screen. But for the final, I could not turn away. I had to engage it in full.
The scene was of a woman who was finally able to mourn the deaths of her children. The grief could not be ignored any longer. I wailed. When I say wailed, I mean full on loud-ass wailing. In the middle of a final. All the grief I had been running away from met me and stopped me in full and I could not run away any longer.
I got 100% on that exam. I had studied well and done well. But my God it hurt like hell.
A couple days later I shared with my cohort why I had cried like that during the final and I was met with a lot of love and kindness. I’m so thankful for those people.
I felt that my lost baby had felt ignored and was now screaming for acknowledgment. An acknowledgment of the loss he and I both shared. I processed a lot with my therapist and friends.
One of the ways that I wanted to acknowledge my lost baby was buying a ring with a March birthstone, Aquamarine (which is when he was due). I tried to acknowledge him more than I had been.
I still like to run away from the pain and the loss. I still don’t feel 100% comfortable mourning in public. It still hurts like hell when I really think about him. I’m still working on it.
“Grief never ends, but it changes.
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a
lack of faith; it is the price of love.”
Donna VanLiere
