How to Deal with a Bad Boss

How to Deal with a Bad Boss

There are few things worse than having a bad boss. They have the ability to make your life difficult. And it’s understandable if they seem to have the ability to ruin our day. There’s a sense of powerlessness, because your ability to provide for yourself and your family is directly impacted by this difficult person. Currently (August 2020) during a worldwide pandemic with record unemployment rates, that sense of powerlessness and being-stuck-at-this-job-with-the-bad-boss seems inescapable.

Here are some layers and steps you can dig into, to help cope with a bad boss. We recommend doing this work with your therapist or someone you trust.

• 1st - make space and time for yourself to go through these steps. Find a safe space with privacy. Take a minute to take deep breaths. Breathe in deep, hold your breath, then very slowly release each breath. As you do this, try to be in this moment, connecting slowly to your body. (If you find breathing triggering, please consult your therapist first).

• Why do I care?

  • You may be annoyed at yourself for letting your boss get to you or impact you emotionally. Please have kindness for yourself. You care, because likely you’re a caring person. You probably care about doing a good job, and in fact you probably are doing a good job. If you’ve made mistakes, normalize this too. Everyone makes mistakes, including the most successful people in the world.

• Why are they like this?

  • So you’re human and you make mistakes, and you are doing your best, but your boss likely won’t acknowledge your good work. Why are they like this? Just like all of us, your boss has their own unique set of issues. It might be insecurity, jealousy, toxic masculinity/femininity, poor coping skills, trauma or any number of things. You likely have noticed some of their personal issues already.

  • Just recognizing that their behavior has more to do with them and their issues, than anything to do with you, can be freeing. Of course it’s still irritating but just a small bit of empathy for your boss can release some of the negative baggage you might be holding onto. You might hold negative energy such as hate toward them, which probably only impacts your well-being negatively.

• What is really bothering me?

  • When thinking of how much your boss’ words/actions/inactions bother you, does it touch on something from your other relationships? From your childhood and Family of Origin? Our pain usually has a long history and a new story lights up the neural pathways that are connected to our past pain. The pain of your history may be activated by something your boss says. Did one of your parents rarely acknowledge your accomplishments? Were they overly critical of you? This is where I really recommend going to your therapist. These tender spots in your story deserve a safe space to be revealed and tended to.

• What’s the worst that could happen?

  • Generally speaking, the worst that could happen with a bad boss is that they may fire you. Going on unemployment and having to find a new job really would be terrible. It is rational for you to be anxious about this. Again, please show kindness for yourself for having this anxiety.

  • Will you make it? A way to combat the anxiety would be to talk yourself up and try to have a plan. Getting a new job may be impossible for some of you. Losing your job may be devastating. But even in that worst case scenario, hopefully you can make it out alive and pursue a better job or a job with a better boss.

  • Maybe you can make a plan to find a better job. Maybe now is the time to seek career counseling or really think about your dream job. Maybe you can dream and make plans to pursue a job where you will be treated more fairly.

• What about me?

  • Is there something about you? It might be difficult to admit, but when two people have conflict, it’s usually the combination of the two people that brings the tension. Believe in your resilience and ability to adapt. You might be able to adapt to certain aspects of your boss. Have you seen the show The Office? Michael Scott is a one-of-a-kind boss, and in order to survive, the characters had to adapt to his unique ways.

  • Another aspect is how you respond to your boss. For instance, are you holding a grudge? It may be understandable. But that grudge is only weighing you down. Once when I was reflecting on a difficult boss I had, I recognized in myself, how I have difficulty truly forgiving people. It made me want to reflect on how I haven’t forgiven loved ones, people who truly matter to me. And that’s the kind of healing in myself and in my relationships that I truly care about. That might be worth the emotional work.

These are just some of the layers that you can process when you make time for yourself in difficult situations.

In all your considerations, let there be kindness for yourself.